Left out..

Well... SPM is not over just yet...still waiting for 2 more days... Just now the form 5's art stream just did their art paper 2.. as the questions wants butterfly on a flower from a digital camera screen was the easiest but i was not satisfied of how it turned out as i did not practice it...

After the paper,i grab my bag and there they were.. I said hye to Rena,of course she ignored me..Just to keep in mind that she is still a good person in ups and lows.. They were busy chit chating and one single shit i really don't know what's happening. Maybe they went out recently and i bet they had fun.... Suddenly a jealous devil hint me in the heart and mind... So i just went away..

To me, they are my darling friends... but seriously... Before i go to them, i dun think im wanted in the group anyways. It feels kinda sad to see my only best friend is there too... But im just happy because she looks happy and having fun. It's not that i dun like ishnee,esther,steph or hani.. i love them as my gals and to me they are good people, the people who you could talk to if u have any freaking problems.

As for Rena.... *sigh* just forget it... maybe she feels more fun hanging out with them.. I mean, they go out everywhere and just a snap they are like boy magnets.. and it only pulls the hottest guys in whatever way.. I know that is my best friend kinda thing.

Well, im sorry that i couldn't be part of the gang but i really do miss my best friends...

What is wrong with me??

I didn’t go to school today coz I woke up late again. I really dunno wats wrong with me for the past few days as I also didn’t go to school yesterday. I feel so pressured and stress but the thing is I really don’t know about what. I had a fight with mum yesterday and today of me not going school ; but I do know it was my fault again and again.
I woke up at 6.45 yesterday and I just knew that I couldn’t make it to school. So mum screwed me up and sed promise to wake up 2moro. I nodded. Last nite, B and his bro, Sharul slept over at my house. We watch a few DVD’S before going to bed but I slept earlier from them coz I know I had to go to school. But the thing is I think I was too tired and I didn’t wake up this morning. Worst part was I woke up at 6.55. Mum at first didn’t say anything but she had a sharp stare at me though. So after I showered, I open her door slowly and there she was ironing her clothes and of course.. it was so obvious she was pist off with me coz she scolded me. She said that I was the problem of waking up in the morning and she won’t bother anymore about waking me up in the morning to go school and she said you think for yourself.

I mean whats wrong with me?? Everything I do will always be a mistake. Maybe it was a mistake that I live on earth! Look at my life.. Its full of emotions! It started out I ran away from home, I tried to commit suicide, my parents divorced, im not talking to my family on my fathers side, and I feel so stressed that I have to face my SPM soon!
I really hope I change for the best.. So far,I don’t know whether am I going up to the sky or im still under dirt.

I just want to meet my Daddy

Wan is going to Sabah 2moro and i didnt get the chance to explain to her that i really wanted to go and meet my daddy.. Just because of my exams, she screwed me and told me not to go.

Coz on dat day,daddy koled me and sed that Wan is going to Sabah n been thinking to take me along. It was fine with me since next week is a one week holiday. I koled wan and asked her what day is she going..and she said Wednesday. I didnt know which Wednesday but it was fine with me. I said that i agreed to go with her but if im going on Wednesday,i have to come back on Friday or Saturday coz my trials is on.

She freaked out and said you want to go on Wednesday and come back on Friday or Saturday?! Banyak duit ko! You think what? Flight ticket is cheap izzit??!!

I explained to her saying that she had to understand my situation as my trials is on and i have to do well but before the trials i do want to see my daddy.

She sed it will waste her money to pay for me if im only going for 3 or 4 days. But its weird... she sed its wasting money.. I think she wasted RM 3000 just for a freaking CARPET! She told me off and said you dont have to go. Just go to school and do your exams. Maybe you can just go during the November holidays.

WTF??!!

Its been how many months i havent meet my half soul...,my half DNA!!and she had the nerves to tell me to go and see my daddy on November?! That wont happen coz my SPM is on November till December! As i said.. She only thinks about herself..

I JUST WANT TO MEET MY DADDY..

I thought it was over...

Woo hoo... i thought my family problems was over ; but instead that it's a whole rerun thingy passing through my life again. See.. im only 17 and it's the time that i started to learn things about to ask or not to ask.

Last Thursday i went to meet up my cousin, Ayin at One Utama. He wanted to pass some money that my grandmother gave me. When Alif and me arrive,we met Ayin and went for a drink at Mamak stall. We talked... Even we are cousins, we have been treating each other like brother and sister. So we really tell a lot of our secrets and problems. We will meet each other up maybe twice a month.

Our stupid topic that time was about our family and we talked and again exchanged notes sumthing like that is called gossip la... He started the news of what he heard saying that my daddy was going to get married and he heard it from my aunty. So i was like "Say what? My daddy doing something without telling/asking me?".. Of course i was totally upset and i thought that it was true.. That was the first part... The second part was,i know some historical thingy about his parents (not going to be posted here) that i know he didn't know. So iasked him if he knew why the parents got married? He himself said that he suspect that his mother Aunt. Ina got him first that only got married. I mean,it's no big deal... It's still the same parents... It was a proper wedding my mum said. The parents really do love him. So back again, i said i heard from mum yes the story of his parents went like that. Suddenly, he cried. I understand his feelings.. It was just fine after that. He said everything that we both talked about will be sealed.

Not true enough,my grandmother called me and screwed me up and ask me why can't i mind my own things and why i do such stories.I think Ayin called her to ask the freaking question. Like hello...if it wasn't true,im sorry,that is only what i heard. If it was true,and Ayin didn't know,WHEN will he know? Wait until he gets married and have children? I think its better for him to know now than later.

After my granmother's call, i called Ayin and wanted to ask him what happen. It seems that he keep on rejecting my phone calls. After that,his mother,Aunt. Ina sent me a message saying if i dare to do it,dare to face the challenge. ---????--- the exact same thing poped into my mind.. Do what la kan? That was what exactly i sent to her. She said that never to bother Ayin anymore and she said that she never bothered us,so why do this kind of things...Can't you mind your own business? I replied to her saying about my apologise and i asked her about my daddy was it true? She never replied..

Few moments after that,my uncle,Ayin's dad said that he won't accept my apologise and i am not related anymore to them and he will not going to admit that i am their niece anymore since i am very kurang ajar to them.

So looks like i lost the whole family in KL and raya is so close and i feel very hurtful that i won't be spending my holidays there with my other half souls of family...

To Uncle Wan or whoever from my father's side of the family..

If you were reading this, im sorry about my mistakes.

I don't blame all of you if i am not Raya-ing at Damansara because that was all of your wishes...

There will be cards sent during the Raya season and it will be full with my 'Maaf Zahir & Batin'

From left to right : Fina (my cousin), my daddy, Aunty Nah (my aunt) and Uncle Wan (my uncle)

**Raya on 2007**

The Heart Attack

Daddy got his first heart attack on friday morning at 2 a.m... and i felt so sad i couldnt comfort him at that time as he was at Sabah and im like... HERE...

Called the family about it at that very day we went to Sabah.. Me,my grandmother,my aunt.Rose,and my uncle... He was at the Queen Elizebeth Hospital in the CCU... too bad i couldnt post the pictures here coz im at cc and there's no picasa..

My uncle didnt agree that he was ina government hospital so we changed him to Sabah Medical Hospital which is a private hospital. While that me n my granma went back to the hotel and rest while my aunt n uncle settle things at the hospital... When my aunt came back she said daddy may look ok from the outside but it seems that from CCU he changed to ICU!

I was in total shock wey... It seems that his main artery is blocked and maybe next month he will be doing an operation..

Dear Daddy... Get well Soon...

Discipline?

It has been a long time i didnt update my blog.. Been busy with school and of course short of $$..

MAYBE I DON'T HAVE DISCIPLINE??

Those words came out from my daddy and it TOTALLY hurt me a lot... Not only from daddy but it also came from my grandmother.. Am i really that bad?? Im just gonna put it aside so i will not remind myself of those awful words that just rings into my ears when im day dreaming..

Been hanging out with Ishnee, Esther, Asyikah and Aira for the past few days. Didn't expect they will make me smile and laugh day to days whenever i feel miserable. It seems that Rena seems jealous bout me hanging out with them at Uptown and Khalifah.. I mean like WTF? Is it so wrong?

My mum said that she's jealous over everything bout me including my exam marks.. I mean like there are 9 papers for both of us and i was absent for 2. So i only did 7 papers. When we got back the results, I only failed 3. While she did all the papers and she failed 5. Still... to me is just the same. As we were looking st the marks sheet i was happy bout my results coz it was better then the last year's result. After i signed mine, i asked her how many did you fail? And i saw she failed 5.. So i sed that wasn't so bad. She with her bitchy tone that's because you didnt do your Sejarah and Agama. I bet if you do, u will fail 4 both papers!

In my mind like... What the hell is your problem???

Was it my fault that she didnt study?? There are times i was like kinda avoiding her... She will always reveal her freaking attitude with me. Recently went to Genting.. Me,Baby,Rena and her bf Kumar. We spent the night there.. It was ok.. we all got drunk that night and i was the first to pull the blanket and put myself to sleep before i puke! Planning to go there again..

Exams for our mid year is coming soon that will be on the 5th of May... Hopefully the results will be better than the previous ones...

Is not SPM yet but there's stress already??

It's only early year's exam and i feel so unready. Exam is starting on the 29 Feb that is only next week while my tuition starts on March. I feel so stressed up coz im scared that what if i fail? Maybe the start will not be good but hopefully the SPM trial that is before SPM will be ok as i so don't wanna go for Khidmat Negara shit..

As for family? Well, i know mama is with me but not always beside me like she used to be..like whenever i need her, i'll just be calling "Ma..." and she will be coming. Our expenses is running low as it seems that from my mum's side of story that daddy is a bit kinda hard to take out money for my tuition expenses. If it was me, i will be taking a lot of subjects to pass my exams. 4 creadits will be enough. Now im only taking Science, Maths, Accounts and soon Art tuition. All together is RM250. But that is only tuition.

We still haven't count my daily expenses.. Since now im staying at Kota Damansara, it will be hard for me to go home and mama is working. I have to take care of myself now. I feel like i don't have anyone to be with since now Alif is working at one utama. So ALONE! It's always like this,after school, i'll be going to Alif's house and eat there then i'll be doing my homework,then i'll take a nap then by 6 or 7 i'll be going to uptown. But that was when Alif was around. Now, im not sure where to go to.. Feel so lost weyh..

Im so stressed up with my daily expenses, my family, my exams... Everything.. It feels like everything is so wrong..

Early Year's stress!

Well...mumy and daddy divorce already.. With many thing going on that i am so freaking lazy to explain. Straight to the point, my family wants them to argue la. Daddy came bak 4 a while and i got pist off with that f**cking Emily Bitch. You know,she can always take my father and hug n squeeze the shit out of him at Sabah but when he is here spending time with me, she just thinks its her time as well... Tak cukup ke for how many months she took my dad away from me and to me there's n support from my dad; only from my mum..

We now moved to Kota Damansara. Full of Edy's friend here... ergh... Baybee balik kampung... baboon tul... i changed my stream in school as i can't stand with add maths..

so i change to arts...which is much better and i enjoy it...especially the time we tried to use charcoal...i went CRAZY with it till i feel like stealing one! Lol..

that's the recent news for me... at the moment of my days feel so blank.. so not much news and since there's internet at home..i hardly online...