Im feeling totally depressed lately and god knows why. Last Friday i got a letter from college about my repeat results and it didn't turn out great. I got an F. A bluddy total F. I didnt know where i went wrong. And looks like i have to repeat my whole sem for that subject again and its gonna cost RM1500. Where the hell am i going to find that kind of money?
For the time being mama is paying for it. But i will be more stressed out as i have to overlap my studies with repeat subject and my sem 3 subjects. Obviously there will be no semester break for me. I also have to face my other repeat subject that is mass communication which i was absent during the exam day. Now mama is forcing me to get a job to so call pay her back her RM1500. Imagine me having a job. By then i think i'll be in rehab because i will be totally stressed out. I have to face my 6 months repeat subject, my current semester subject and also 'the job'. That's just to much for me.
I always wonder whose idea was it for me being in college. If i ever wanted to be in college, all i wanted to do was photography. Not broadcasting. Because i knew that these kind of things will happen and in the end, i will be the one to blame. Its not im blaming mama, i know its the best for me and she doesnt want me to be like her like after form 5, that's it, start working. But what if i actually wanted it to be that way?
Is it possible for me to stop college now as i am scared to take another step foward in college and i have mama to pay all the expenses. Untill when can she tell people she can actually afford to pay all those shit? All i feel like doing now is stop with college and just get a job and just get the money RM1500. Thank god to aunty rose that is willing to help me chip in the money. But it just wont be the same. Yes, she is helping me but.. I dont know.. How many people have i asked for help? I know im not that kind of person.
That's one story. The other story is, im really short of money as i have failed one of my subjects, mama is cutting down my allowance. God know how on earth am i going to survive with my RM16 transport to college and for me to eat. For the time being, im looking at my purse and all i have is RM40. Obviously RM20 is going for the cab. And my class only till afternoon. RM10 for lunch, and what about after that? Balance is RM10. What about dinner? Mama will be coming home really tired from work and she is too tired to cook obviously so i will eat out. I do miss the time when i just come back home and there will be food for me on the table. I envy my friends actually. For example Aira. All she got to do is come back home from college and there's food for her. She doesnt need money for transport as she got her brother to pick her up.
I also do evny my boyfriend, the mom will always cook everyday. Of course the mother is a housewife and she just stays at home. There are times that if i really want to save money i will go to their house and eat. But until when? As Malaysians say, tak tahu malu ke? Is not my house and they are not my family yet i go to their house and eat. Mama is busy working, yes its for us. But there are times i miss the times where she just stay at home, pick me up from college. I also wish college was still at the housing area and its just a walking distance.
My head is totally spinning round and round thinking of a solution. Don't give me advice. Just think of yourself in my shoes for a moment and feel how depressed i am.
