Im feeling totally depressed lately and god knows why. Last Friday i got a letter from college about my repeat results and it didn't turn out great. I got an F. A bluddy total F. I didnt know where i went wrong. And looks like i have to repeat my whole sem for that subject again and its gonna cost RM1500. Where the hell am i going to find that kind of money?
For the time being mama is paying for it. But i will be more stressed out as i have to overlap my studies with repeat subject and my sem 3 subjects. Obviously there will be no semester break for me. I also have to face my other repeat subject that is mass communication which i was absent during the exam day. Now mama is forcing me to get a job to so call pay her back her RM1500. Imagine me having a job. By then i think i'll be in rehab because i will be totally stressed out. I have to face my 6 months repeat subject, my current semester subject and also 'the job'. That's just to much for me.
I always wonder whose idea was it for me being in college. If i ever wanted to be in college, all i wanted to do was photography. Not broadcasting. Because i knew that these kind of things will happen and in the end, i will be the one to blame. Its not im blaming mama, i know its the best for me and she doesnt want me to be like her like after form 5, that's it, start working. But what if i actually wanted it to be that way?
Is it possible for me to stop college now as i am scared to take another step foward in college and i have mama to pay all the expenses. Untill when can she tell people she can actually afford to pay all those shit? All i feel like doing now is stop with college and just get a job and just get the money RM1500. Thank god to aunty rose that is willing to help me chip in the money. But it just wont be the same. Yes, she is helping me but.. I dont know.. How many people have i asked for help? I know im not that kind of person.
That's one story. The other story is, im really short of money as i have failed one of my subjects, mama is cutting down my allowance. God know how on earth am i going to survive with my RM16 transport to college and for me to eat. For the time being, im looking at my purse and all i have is RM40. Obviously RM20 is going for the cab. And my class only till afternoon. RM10 for lunch, and what about after that? Balance is RM10. What about dinner? Mama will be coming home really tired from work and she is too tired to cook obviously so i will eat out. I do miss the time when i just come back home and there will be food for me on the table. I envy my friends actually. For example Aira. All she got to do is come back home from college and there's food for her. She doesnt need money for transport as she got her brother to pick her up.
I also do evny my boyfriend, the mom will always cook everyday. Of course the mother is a housewife and she just stays at home. There are times that if i really want to save money i will go to their house and eat. But until when? As Malaysians say, tak tahu malu ke? Is not my house and they are not my family yet i go to their house and eat. Mama is busy working, yes its for us. But there are times i miss the times where she just stay at home, pick me up from college. I also wish college was still at the housing area and its just a walking distance.
My head is totally spinning round and round thinking of a solution. Don't give me advice. Just think of yourself in my shoes for a moment and feel how depressed i am.
2 comments:
Put myself in your shoes and feel how depressed you are? Hmm...I was a teenager once upon a time and I still remember the experience. NOT a good one. And yeah depression is part and parcel of it all. However, when you consider those poor people in Haiti, who have lost loved ones, have no place to live, have nothing to eat and drink, who have no protection from gangs that want to take what little they do have, and who may be injured or sick on top of it, and your depression seems a bit selfish. Wouldn't you agree? Especially since you have a mom who loves you more than anything, who raised you single-handed for several years with ZERO support from your dad, who puts a roof over your head, food in your belly, clothes on your back, money in your pocket, and who sacrifices part of her own future retirement so you can get an education that you can use to create a good life for yourself.
Part of what you are going through is understandable: your world is changing and you don't quite know what to make of it, or what to do about it. Your mom was there for you in everything up until now. Now all of a sudden things are changing. She's not able to cook for you because of work. She asks you to get a part-time job to pay for PART (NOT all) of the extra school fees brought on because you didn't live up to your agreement to study hard and do well at school. The old days and ways are going and they are not coming back. This is all part of growing up and taking increased responsibility for your life. After all, you will one day - Insha Allah - have a husband and family of your own. And you will need to know how to take care of them: you can only know that by first learning to take care of yourself. How do you do that? Here are some solutions for you.
First of all, a part-time job after school or on weekends will do you good. It will give you some extra spending money, and it will help to pay for part of the schooling that you have to repeat. Students in my country often work 2 or 3 jobs on top of their studies just to make ends meet. And pay back loans they took from the government to be able to go to college or university. You are fortunate because you have a place to live and don't have to worry about how to pay for it.
Second, if you are hungry then cook for yourself. You don't have broken arms or legs and you are an intelligent girl. Figure it out. If you need some help then ask your mom to show you how cook. She did run her own restaurant and you can learn a lot from her. If the food that she buys is not to your liking, then go shopping with her at Giant or Cold Storage next time and influence her choice of products.
Third, if your money isn't enough to cover everything, then you will have to learn how to budget. Ever stop to consider how much money you spend eating out? Learning to cook will also help you to prepare lunches that you can bring to school so that you won't have to eat out. Cutting back on "social activities" is another way to save money - and it will help you to focus on your studies as well. A few nights a week spent at home actually working on assignments and studying for tests, instead of playing Monopoly or hanging out or clubbing will get you back on track.
You've dug yourself into a bit of a hole, my girl, and now you need to make some hard choices to get out of it. Your mom and I are here to help you, but it is you that needs to make the effort to do so. In spite of my kind of hard words to you, don't ever forget that we love you, OK?, especially your mom. If she didn't love you as much as she does then she wouldn't be as hurt as she is now by what has happened and the distance between the two of you...
and as i said, i actually kinda didnt want any advice. but thanks
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