Caution & Warning! You just digged your own grave and you buried yourself!

I have learnt a lot of things recently. And seriously i have regret. I learnt that i might as well keep it to myself or just ignore it and not take it seriously instead of posting on the net. It have ruined my relationship which i SERIOUSLY don't know how to gain back his love, i lost trust from friends which i care about and most of all, I have ruined the relationship between me and my family which i love and i don't know how to gain back their trust.

At one moment, i felt useless, hopeless, no doubt speechless, jobless and cashless. And whatever 'less' there is! I felt lonely. I felt like i lost everyone i loved one by one. I lost my future husband's love, and i'm trying my best to get it back even i know that he still loves me but not like before. I lost a mother's love.. Which i really miss. Which to me, i need that everyday. I felt like i lost my best friend. I lost the people that i could talk to. I felt like killing myself!

In the end, a few friends that is still left, decided to have a table talk with me and make me realize what i have been doing. And i totally broke down in tears. Wish i could turn back the time. I've been a BITCH! 

Enough said.

Changes for the past 3 years

 Feels awkward to be writing again in my blog after i totally abandon this website after 3 years. There are times i do still read it and remember all those child hoods i use to be. 

As for now it's a new life. A total new life. New love, new house, new journey. Daddy officially moved to Kota Kinabalu. My mum remarried at year 2010 i think. After then, we stayed at Damansara utama with the cats and step dad.

As all know i was i the longest relationship ever with Mohd Aliff. Well, it ended on christmas day 2011. It was not because of there were a third party, just that i thought we are getting nowhere after 6 years and he didn't even think about marrying me.

I became a bit nuts after that. Alcoholic. Was at Laundry Bar, The Curve everyday. Up till now i was wondering where i had the money to drink up the Vodka's. Hahaha.

Months later decided to move on as there were to much memories in mum's house. So i moved out with the girlfriends Aira and Wiwi. We shifter to Damansara Pelangi with rental of RM900. Im quite amazed of myself to do this. 

From left to right :

Wiwi, me, and Aira. 

One of those nights before to Laundry.

Moving out was a really great idea. I also found a new love life. Someone used to be working at the same place i used to work, GSC, One Utama. He was working under concession area while i was at the box office. Funny part was, i was eyeing on him and he looked cute. Didn't expect he would be called as my boyfriend.

Now, I'm happy with how i am. Living independently, not what i expected. Aira and Wiwi moved out from the house and im still renting the place with new housemates. Not forgetting my cat Lessy which i found downstairs. LOL.

 Err.. Yeah.. She's my baby all right.

After a year past by, welcomed 2013, and things just went a bit down. Argued with mum up to the point where she just deleted me and blocked me on facebook. *Somehow reminds me of the dubstep song Knife Party - Internet Friend (You blocked me on facebook, and now you're going to die) HAHAHAHA!). Okay, no laughing matter though. Erm..

Mama,

If you happen to read this blog which i know most people thought i will no longer write, just wanna let you know, i miss you mama. Sorry for what happen and what i did to you.

As there are times i know or feel nothing is going to make her talk to me as it's just karma of life. What happen to my mum and her mum is happening exactly kinda the same thing to me and my mum. 

Well, that's all the details i got for the new life of me. Hope to write in more soon.

Loves.

Stalkers causes problems.

To my dear blog readers, there is one thing i would like to say to you,

I WILL NO LONGER WRITE SHITS IN THIS EFFING BLOG.

 

So Kamal, i know you always follow my blog. Sorry babe. Just call me instead.



P/S: HAPPY? Enough already for crying out loud.

I don't love you like i did yesterday.

Since i have been working at Debenhams, Curve, I just realise i could survive without Alif. Its like i dont have to worry anything anymore! And it also made me realise that i have to move on with or without him.

I have started making friends with this one Chindian guy that is working below me in Nike shop and his name is Mike. He is just the nicest dude i ever met. Sweet that is. And i plan not to be in a relationship with him as i am enjoying the situation we are now. Nothing more in love. Just friends. There are times he would surprise me when im working. He would come to my shop and visit me and disturb me. And we would wait for each other for the bus at the side of the highway.


 

The funny part is, i knew him on the bus. :) Haha! Is just that i see him almost everyday but not every time. We would like bump to each other accidentally. And next thing you know we just found out that our working place is just near by. So we decided to exchange phone numbers and be friends. And im enjoying the friendship.

Alif is just a bullshitter now. He tells bullshits to the people that he hardly hang out with saying that his pay is Rm1000 instead of RM600. I hate bullshitters. I am allergic to them. And even once he told Aira that he saved RM1000. Aira asked where is the money? He said that he finished it all up. Aira thought he spent it on me. Well, hey! I may be expensive but i dont want someone to be spending me RM1000! Alif said he used up all the money to treat his friends and what not. God knows where am i in his *effing* list. Whenever i meet him, he would show his ego with me. Sticking his nose up in the air. Maybe i should stuff something inside his nose instead!

I got so stressed up last night i decided to have a drink at Laundry and Sanctuary with my two dearest babes. Watch a bit of football, that was a jug of Tiger. Later on came the cousin which was the Supervisor or Manager of Sanctuary and Laundry. So he treated us with another jug of beer. I drank like nobody's business as i know next day is my off day. And yup, i got drunk. After second jug i cant remember how many jugs was on the table. By the time we have to get back home, i couldnt walk. At the car Rena was talking to the cousin and i was talking crap with Aira saying i see double Curve. I needed air as i felt like i was going to faint and die there. I open up the door and i vomited. Haha!! There goes the medal of a good drinker!

Im enjoying my life as how i am suppose to. I will not waste another minute of my life with or without you. If its with you, give me space. If its without you, Hey! There's tons of fishes in the sea!

Hancur hatiku...

Oh, hancur hatiku.. sakitnya hati when i look at their pictures together. I wonder why. EEEEEEE!!!! Feels like my heart have been stabbed with full of jealousy! God damn it!! She's like lucky to have a guy like him or whatever shit. OMG.. here i go talking all sorts of nonsense crap! Wish i was in her shoes. Hope you are happy.

To the guy that is at the other side of the world.

Maybe two is better than one.

"Are you still with the guy you are with?"

"Yes i am, are you still with the girl you are with?" I replied..

"Yes i am.. Why are you still with him anyways?"

"Why are YOU still with her?"

"I try not to be"

It's sad to hear this kind of conversation. There are other meaning behind the text. Depends on what we really feel but i know it would never be reveal as we have been good buddies for ages. I told Aira about it and she said it is sad because from her view, we are on seperate ways (on the other side of the world), but deep inside a tiny little love and we could never say it out loud as he has a girlfriend and i have a boyfriend. Dilemma. *Sigh*

Later will be going out with my two lovely babes.. Aira and Rena. Will be having a girl bonding session i guess. Maybe will be heading to Sunway area to have a drink at Asia Cafe.

Countdown!

Ooooo!! This is so exciting! Countdown for this Saturday for Recharge at KL Live. Will be going with mama, and the step dad (mmmhmm...?) and my dearly friends. We even registered ourselves at Recharge Room. And thennnn.... this Sunday, my other baby boo will be coming down from Philippines, Lorena Buealla Menon. My other dearly sister other then Aira. Hope could post up pictures from Recharge. Been a while i havent post up pictures. Damn it!

Job that sucks.

It has been a while i havent been blogging. I have stop college now. As i wanted to take photography course instead but it is very expensive. So i have made a decision i will work for my own money. Currently im working at Golden Screen Cinemas (GSC) at One Utama. Working there at first was ok. But after close to a month, staffs over there start to show their true colours. The supervisor is a pain in the ass. The crew leader i only like one. The other crew leader should go and die. They are rude to customers and staffs. And we become rude, they will scold us saying who do you think you are? How can they lead us if they are showing bad example to us. And if we follow their example, they say we are doing it wrongly.

Example like yesterday, my friend Aira was working at the Gold Class counter while i was working at the box office. I finished one hour before Aira. To me it didnt matter. I could always wait for her. I was standing beside her counter. Then i wanted to call Alif. But he couldnt hear me because i was noisy. So i entered the Gold Class Lounge and sat down at the sofa for a while just to talk on the phone. In my mind maybe its ok because there was a crew leader there as well at the bar. Then the crew leader went out and didnt say anything. A few minutes later, another crew leader from popcorn area came in to the gold class. And she asked me rudely What are you doing here?! I said Huh? Owh, i already finish my work. And she answered Get out! Don't hang out here! Hang out outside! Owh ok, I replied and i went out to Aira. 5 mins after that the gold class phone rang and i was surprise that it was for me. It was the Supervisor, Vicky, Indian woman. She said Who do you think you are to hang out at Gold Class lounge?! Dont you know it's for the customers?? In my mind maybe she saw me from the CCTV. So i said Im sorry, i didnt know that i wasnt allowed to be there.

After that she said And you even put your leg up on the sofa and being rude to the crew leader! You answered her! From there i knew it. She made a complaint about me to the Supervisor. But hello! I didnt put my leg up on the chair and I didnt say anything else to her! I said Vicky, you listen. I didnt put my leg up and i can swear to god for that. I also swear to god i didnt say anything else to her! All i said was owh ok!

Now i how the environment at GSC One Utama. It sucks! Now there are 3 people that is against me. 1) Ali (Crew Leader at Box Office), 2) Vicky (Supervisor) and 3) Hasni ( Crew Leader at popcorn stand). 3 people is more than enough for me to handle!

I have decided to make my resign letter and this coming sunday which is tomorrow is my pay day. While that i will include the vest, name tag and resign letter. I deserve better than all of this. If the environment is great, i will do a great job for that company.

Missing someone?

Okay, something is just not right here. Why have i been dreaming about someone else instead of my own bf? Few days ago i actually dreamt about a friend of mine. Well, obviously he will be reading my blog as he is one of the people that always reads my blog and now what have been going on with me. I dreamt that he was here next to me and we were like together. I mean like in a relationship. Maybe i was upset that it didnt worked out as we were suppose to be that way.. (Or maybe in my dream world eversince 12 years old till now) LOL! But yeah, he is happy with his life, with his studies and with his.. girlfriend.. as he says so. Wonder how it would be if we were together? Hmm.. Chup! chup! Let me imagine it... Maybe it would be fun and obviously what i have always dream on when i was 12 years old becomes to reality.

Last night, i dreamt that i was at uptown with my bf. And i dreamt that we had a fight and he said to get out of his way and just go away. And i did. I cried while walking to my friend, Aira's house. As i was crossing the road, there was this guy was disturbing me and hoping i would ride his car and god knows where he wanted to go. He was pulling my arms. And i was screaming. Then there was another dude came to me and saved me. He asked me if i was ok and asked me where was i going. I kept on crying and i said i was going to my friend's house. He said i will take you there. I said its ok, its only across the street. He parked his car and he walked with me to make sure i was ok. While walking he asked what was my problem. I told him. And in my dream, i felt in love with him. He was a bluddy good looking guy! In my dreams! WOW!! When we were in front of Aira's house, she was with the bf as well. We were sitting down at her porch then i saw my bf came with a bike to me. He was pist off that i just went off like that and he acting crazy there talking to Aira's bf. The guy with me asked me so this is your bf? I said yeah. And he looked at my bf from top to toe and he asked me, how can he not take care of you? After that i thought he wanted to whisper something to me. But i was wrong, he kissed my cheeks! I was totally in love in my dream. I wonder who it was. I wish it would happen in reality and have my princess fairy tale to happen.

Depressed.

Im feeling totally depressed lately and god knows why. Last Friday i got a letter from college about my repeat results and it didn't turn out great. I got an F. A bluddy total F. I didnt know where i went wrong. And looks like i have to repeat my whole sem for that subject again and its gonna cost RM1500. Where the hell am i going to find that kind of money?

For the time being mama is paying for it. But i will be more stressed out as i have to overlap my studies with repeat subject and my sem 3 subjects. Obviously there will be no semester break for me. I also have to face my other repeat subject that is mass communication which i was absent during the exam day. Now mama is forcing me to get a job to so call pay her back her RM1500. Imagine me having a job. By then i think i'll be in rehab because i will be totally stressed out. I have to face my 6 months repeat subject, my current semester subject and also 'the job'. That's just to much for me.

I always wonder whose idea was it for me being in college. If i ever wanted to be in college, all i wanted to do was photography. Not broadcasting. Because i knew that these kind of things will happen and in the end, i will be the one to blame. Its not im blaming mama, i know its the best for me and she doesnt want me to be like her like after form 5, that's it, start working. But what if i actually wanted it to be that way?

Is it possible for me to stop college now as i am scared to take another step foward in college and i have mama to pay all the expenses. Untill when can she tell people she can actually afford to pay all those shit? All i feel like doing now is stop with college and just get a job and just get the money RM1500. Thank god to aunty rose that is willing to help me chip in the money. But it just wont be the same. Yes, she is helping me but.. I dont know.. How many people have i asked for help? I know im not that kind of person.

That's one story. The other story is, im really short of money as i have failed one of my subjects, mama is cutting down my allowance. God know how on earth am i going to survive with my RM16 transport to college and for me to eat. For the time being, im looking at my purse and all i have is RM40. Obviously RM20 is going for the cab. And my class only till afternoon. RM10 for lunch, and what about after that? Balance is RM10. What about dinner? Mama will be coming home really tired from work and she is too tired to cook obviously so i will eat out. I do miss the time when i just come back home and there will be food for me on the table. I envy my friends actually. For example Aira. All she got to do is come back home from college and there's food for her. She doesnt need money for transport as she got her brother to pick her up.

I also do evny my boyfriend, the mom will always cook everyday. Of course the mother is a housewife and she just stays at home. There are times that if i really want to save money i will go to their house and eat. But until when? As Malaysians say, tak tahu malu ke? Is not my house and they are not my family yet i go to their house and eat. Mama is busy working, yes its for us. But there are times i miss the times where she just stay at home, pick me up from college. I also wish college was still at the housing area and its just a walking distance.

My head is totally spinning round and round thinking of a solution. Don't give me advice. Just think of yourself in my shoes for a moment and feel how depressed i am.

LOVE STORY

We were both young, when I first saw you.
I close my eyes and the flashback starts-
I'm standing there, on a balcony in summer air.

I see the lights; see the party, the ball gowns.
I see you make your way through the crowd-
You say hello, little did I know...

That you were Romeo, you were throwing pebbles-
And my daddy said "stay away from Juliet"-
And I was crying on the staircase-
begging you, "Please don't go..."
And I said...

Romeo take me somewhere, we can be alone.
I'll be waiting; all there's left to do is run.
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess,
It's a love story, baby, just say yes.

So I sneak out to the garden to see you.
We keep quiet, because we're dead if they knew-
So close your eyes... escape this town for a little while.


Cause you were Romeo - I was a scarlet letter,
And my daddy said "stay away from Juliet" -
but you were everything to me-
I was begging you, "Please don't go"
And I said...

Romeo take me somewhere, we can be alone.
I'll be waiting; all there's left to do is run.
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess.
It's a love story, baby, just say yes-

Romeo save me, they're trying to tell me how to feel.
This love is difficult, but it's real.
Don't be afraid, we'll make it out of this mess.
It's a love story, baby, just say yes.


I got tired of waiting.
Wondering if you were ever coming around.
My faith in you was fading-
When I met you on the outskirts of town.
And I said...

Romeo save me, I've been feeling so alone.
I keep waiting, for you but you never come.
Is this in my head, I don't know what to think-
He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring and said...

Marry me Juliet, you'll never have to be alone.
I love you, and that's all I really know.
I talked to your dad -- go pick out a white dress
It's a love story, baby just say... yes.

Gtot a problem with it?

SEMPURNA

Kau begitu sempurna
Dimataku kau begitu indah
Kau membuat diriku akan slalu memujimu

Disetiap langkahku
Kukan slalu memikirkan dirimu
Tak bisa kubayangkan hidupku tanpa cintamu

Janganlah kau tinggalkan diriku
Takkan mampu menghadapi semua
Hanya bersamamu ku akan bisa

Kau adalah darahku
Kau adalah jantungku
Kau adalah hidupku
Lengkapi diriku
Oh sayangku, kau begitu
Sempurna... Sempurna...

Kau genggam tanganku
Saat diriku lemah dan terjatuh
Kau bisikkan kata dan hapus semua sesalku

Janganlah kau tinggalkan diriku
Takkan mampu menghadapi semua
Hanya bersamamu ku akan bisa

Jealousy?

Wonder why it hurts so much to see you with her even if i have my own guy. Does that mean i still have feelings for you till that it's really hard to forget you. I know i had good memories with you as we never argue much on anything. It was a total wonderland. Yes, i did a mistake. I did regret.. kinda. EEEEE!!!! Damn it!! My hearts beats fast and slow at a time whenever i see your page. I feel like crying.. I feel like cursing everywhere. You even lied. Might never know there was other ways that we could worked things out. Maybe it was just a useless devil told me to do so. Well, that devil is really hopeless coz i didnt achieve anything like what i had in mind! LIAR!

Tak sama macam luar negara!

Kau pikir Malaysia ni macam luar negara ke yg ko boleh klua umah and tak kunci pun pintu. Bukan tahap pintu, gate depan, grill pintu. Aku tau la aku, Aira ngan Wahizul ada kat umah. Tapi kalau dibuatnya ada perompak nak rompak umah ni tak ke seronak dia melompat2 depan umah aku? Mesti dia pikir tuan umah ni mesti mengalu2kan aku rompak umah dia ni.. Aku ada parang. Ha! Ape nak menjawab!!


Dah la kalau aku klua g college, then aku balik umah tgk dia dah xder. Dia bayar bil elektrik umah ni ke? Ngan lampu ngan kipas x tutup. Igt automatic ke dia akan tutup sendiri. Mak aku tak bising pulak. Tapi kalau aku, dia memekak, seminggu tak habis cerita. Aku bukan nak mengungkit.. BUT ITS NOT FAIR!!!

BITCH!!

Anyone told you that you're a bitch? Say what? No one? Well, let me the fucking first one to tell you that you are a fucking BITCH!, Bitch!

Because of you,i had to be caught up in all sorts of bluddy things which there was a lot simple way to do my freaking assignments but what did you want me to do? A two times kind of work! A work that i already passed it up to you, and you could just edit and put it all together own your own but no, you told me to do the whole fucking thing again!

Because of you, i can't even hang out with my mum! DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW FUCKING STRESS I AM?! Thinking of a way to tell my freaking dad that to me now only realise that he has a freaking daughter waiting for him to come back to KL just to be with the family that my mother will be engaged soon!

What else is more to come? I wonder why in other groups i don't feel fucked up when it comes to group assignments but when it comes into a group with you, i don't even have a fucking minute for myself even if i want to shit!

I also thought that you will be a good friend of mine in college, but i was wrong. It turned out you are a fucking bitch of mine in the list! Just because you are older than all of us, you need to be pushing us around? Maybe it's because of your freaking attitude that our class turned out to be a lil racist and saying things about malays.

I think i already cooled down by saying all these shits about a FUCKER in class.

No offence.. It's life baby. Just accept it.

BITCH!

My luck didnt last long..

On 20th of March was an exciting day for me. Morning went for class at IACT college and i eft earlier as i wanted to get ready for RECHARGE! Went out from class, went to Aira's house took a shower and changed clothes there. After that waited for Izzat to picked us up. While waiting for Izzat, we were waiting at Malik Maju. Then Alif came. I have no idea how he found me but whatever it is he was upset the way i dressed up and he was upset about the way i dressed up.

I ignored him of whatever he said and Izzat came. In my mind the objective of me going Recharge to enjoy myself with a bottle of beer and just make new friends with cute guys. I arrived at Blanc Club and i felt Gowd! Im 18 this year, and i can make it in.. HAHA.. I went in with Aira, and Izzat. Then i bumped to my old friend, Mimie. He wanted to borrow our IC as he wants to bring the girlfriend in,she was 16. Aira gave her IC and the girlfriend, Alia made it in. Dumb.

12 o'clock and the dance floor was open. We were sitting on the second floor at the long sofa and Mimie bumped to his friend. And that friend of him brought another friend and i must add that he was cute. He looked at me and he smiled. I smiled back. Then he came next to me and sat down and asked me where am i from. I said im from Kota Damansara. You? He said he is from Wangsa Maju. After that i said to him, Hye look,im going to dance. Wanna join? He replied saying i will be down later.

Me,Aira and Alia was downstairs enjoying the music of Trance. Then Mimie was dancing behind me and a whole bunch of guys came to him and shaked hands. Thought it was his friends. He introduced to Alia. After that us 3 dance like a total sexiness and the bunch of guys came and surround us dancing as well. I thought it was just a clean dance. But i was wrong, their objective was something else. And i was trying to escape out, i looked on my right, there was the dreamboat of mine that talked to me earlier. He saw me i was feeling uncomfortable. So he came to while dancing and he slowly pulled me out from the circle. I was like My Hero. Haha..

He asked me are you okay? And i was like yeah.. Thanks. I prefer guys dancing with me without being dirty. So i think he got my point. We were dancing together and i tell you, i felt oh gowd.. He is so cute. Then suddenly he put his arms on my shoulder. I felt okay i guessed. He didnt like put his thing near me so i felt he could be trusted.

Then a guy from the bunch of guys offered his hand to me for a dance. I hold the cute guy's arms to show that i didnt want. He pushed me to the back of him and he said to the guy She's with me. And the guy said, Owh, Sorry bro.. And the cute guy held my arm and asked me again, Are you ok? I was like thanks again.

Then my dream was about to end as Izzat said we are leaving. I felt DAMN! I was about to have another beer with this cute dude. But never mind,he can have my phone number. As i was standing at the entrance,he hugged me and he kissed me on my cheek. He said So i see you on other events? I said obviously just to meet you. Then he said cn i have your phone number? OWH DEAR!! The magic words i wanted to hear. BUT!!! I was so stupid i gave my phone number that was the number i just bought and i accidently gave the last 4 digits wrongly. I only realised going back time. I was like damn it!! I was slapping my head thinking lost it!! Shitness man!! I was cursing inside the car like nobody's bussiness.

So i straight away called Mimie saying that i need that guy's number and you better help me out as i help you out with your girlfriend. He said when he meets him,he will tell. So just hope for it.

As i got home at 4 a.m, my mum came out from the room and said my cat Comel was dying. I straight away cried and i saw her inside the baset not moving. It looked like she was already dead. I slept next to the basket till morning coz when i got up to go in my room i heard her like calling me meow meow. I sat next to her, she kept quiet. So obviouslt she wanted me to be next to her before she go. I cried and cried and cried. Thinking how many years we grew up together. Those memories. I got you when i started schooling and now you are leaving me when im going in college.

Next day i woke up at 2.30 p.m.. I still saw her breathing. I stroked her slowly saying that i love you so much. You are my sister and my friend and my favourite cat. And i went on my mum's bed cracking my back coz it hurts as i was sleeping on the floor next to her. And i said to my mum i wanted to use the lap top. After 5 mins, my mum gave the lap top to me and she wanted to go out from the room. And she called me saying that Comel is gone. I felt my heart thumped down and thinking i didnt get to hear your meow for one last time. I just burst into tears on the floor holding the basket screaming wake up.. But i just had to accept that she was gone.

Rest in Peace my dear Comel.

1999 - 2009

The past is back.

From the post of 'Was it true', i got to found out that it was true. It hurt me alot till i had a breakdown and it broked my heart. I felt ashamed that someone could do something like that to me. I found out from Syafiq's friend Asriq. I chatted with him onYM and i just remembered and thought of a stupid question. The video.

I asked and he was like how did you know? I called him straight away and wanted to know more details. What he told me, hurt me. He told me that syafiq was a playboy and i still remembered Asriq said "Sape yang tak nak balak dia anak dato'? Confirm semua nak. So dia main-mainkan la gurls ni" In my mind, i don't want to believe you! It's hurting me! Enough! But somehow a little few more details he told me was how it was and it was true.

After that i called Syafiq and screwd him up saying how could you? That just make a thousand and one tears! I loved you, I was so happy with you even if we had fights and arguements. I wanted to know your family and friends. Because my family and friends got to know bout you. And all of them said Just be careful. I appreciated everything you did for me. Like coming to Damansara and meet me once or twice a week, taking me out for a walk and around town. I just had so much fun.

I still remember that we will be singing in the car. Each and every car of yours have a memories of us. I still remember you were like singing an old song to me and all the song lyrics was loving you. And our theme song would be from Taylor Swift, Love Story. Your favourite song was from Gym Class Heroes, Cookie Jar. And my song would be Katy Perry, Thinking of you. And you wanted to hug me in the car but i didnt want to as i was busy listening to Jonas Brothers, Lovebug.

Everything i do reminds me of you and hurt me badly deep down in my heart. Everytime i past by the lakeside near Curve reminds me of you cause that was the last place we went and spent time together. So does Rasta, you wanted to watch football. At the lakeside i still remember that you were chasing me as i was running away from you, it was like a princess love story. We watched the sunset together and we were planning to go to Port Dickson just to watch the sunset as I love going to the beach. We were blowing our minds thinking where can we find a hill that we can actually see the stars, the moon, and the whole city.

You were the first one that can carry me like when im running to you and you catch and carry me and while that you were swinging me. It was what i always wanted from a guy. And you did it. That's why i loved you. I also do remember when i called you after i did a 50 minutes Super Saver and i got sleepy. And you were listening to me when i was sleeping. I thought it was a dream when you said I love you Mak cik Bun. Instead of we saying i love you, our type was I cinta you. Everytime i see the stars, i will always think back of the SMS you sent me saying I love all the stars in the sky, but they are nothing compared to the ones in your eyes.

Im missing you.

Results day

Results day was yesterday and it gave a freak out of me man.. For the past few days i even have nightmares of a lot of things.. Maybe i was too scared to face my results.

Then morning came. I still remembered my class teacher SMS-ed me saying results will come put after 10. So i woke up at 9.30.. Bla-bla-bla, arrive school around 10.30. I straight went to the hall and the first 3 people i saw was Ishnee, Eshter and Hani. Gowd.. They look so calm yet they looked blur.. After Norsham gave her stupid speech which nobody actually was listening, she said go to the tables that is written your class and take your results. I felt my heart just thump down at my feet.. GOWD!! First thing i thought to myself where is my bags fill with my clothes? Im ready to hit the road man.

So as i was walking to the table with my mum (she took the effort to take the day off just because of my results day), I bumped to Azlan. I straight away jump as i was damn scared. Then i also bumped to Nini and Shaista. I hugged them and i felt like crying but at the same time i don't know what was my emotions.

We were lineing up to take results and full of screams at the background as for the people already saw their results. I was thinking will i be screaming or crying?

Then it came to my turn to take the slip. I took it and i straight away hide it. I didnt dare look at the results!! Then i saw Azlan jumping up and down. I was like what the hell? No wonder la damn happy... 5 credits. Then i looked at Shaista.

She got 5 or was it 6 credits but she was crying because there was no A's.

So i guess it was my turn. I slowly opened up my slip,and first thing i saw was a 9G. I saw 2 9G's. Then i closed back and i sat on the table thinking SHIT! I got a fail... Why,why,why??????!!! My trials results i didnt have a 9G. Why SPM results i have a bluddy 9G??!! Then my mum was like open it up!! I took the guts to open it and there you are.. 3 credits, 2 pass.. I took 9 subjects. So you do the maths and count how many fails. I was like i wanted to cry but i didnt, i wanted to scream but i didnt. But all i know i was dissapointed cause it wasnt what i was hoping for. My credit was English, Arts and Science(yeah,Science,i didnt notice it at first till my dad asked me what was the credit and i saw Science). My pass was my BM and Maths.

My mum was shocked and asked me why is your BM a 7D?? I was like how should i know?? I was just staring at the slip paper and thinked to myself there must be a mistake. It couldnt be. Why the 9G's?? Trials i didnt have a 9G.. WTF??

Then that night me, Aira and Azlan thought we should celebrate. At least we all got enough credits to get in college. It was true. Mum sent me at Rasta and i had to wait for them bout an hour to arrive. When they arrive thay said pay up your drink, we are shooting off to Al-Safa at Kayu Ara for shisha. The shisha is cheaper and better there. You bet it was better. They used a pineapple cup for the shisha and it tastes heavenly eventho it got me high fast. We were like busy chit chatting there and Azlan wanted to go back as he was kinda high bout the shisha so he walked back home coz it was just near. Then me, Aira and her friend Izzat lepak2 and just chat there till we didnt noticed it was already 2.30 a.m.. So we thought maybe its time to go back home, Even the shisha was finished.

If the bluddy tol matters so much to you, leave!

I knew this happy feeling won't last long. He made me happy yesterday, but today he was suppose to meet me and said he'll be leaving the house at 4. But then i noticed it was raining and i realised that my cat Rexton feel down from second floor and now she is stuck at Ground floor.. on the air cond fan box. And she can't come down. My poor baby,stuck there feeling hungry and cold as it is raining. And the guy that lives in the house is out. *sigh* Looks like i have to wait.

He didn't come and meet me as giving a alasan because of my cat. Actually it was not a big deal. He needed to go back early so i said its fine,we can go out and maybe by the time i come back the guy would be at home already. Then he was like nak bayar tol lagi. In my mind wtf? There you go again with the bluddy tol. It's only RM10 to come and go from Kajang to Damansara.

I still remember you were being damn proud of your father was a V.I.P,so don't tell me a freaking RM10 means something to you? Even my family is a nobody, we still could affort a RM10 and pay for bluddy tolls just to meet someone you care! I swear to god if i have my driving license, i will make the effort to go to Kajang almost everyday just to meet the fucker. Im damn pist off. Another time this thing is going to happen, just say goodbye and we remain as friends!

Could you even imagine that he said that i am a mata duitan kinda girl? I was like what the hell did you just call me and he said it was just a joke. Well, i don't think anyone is laughing! I never even ask anything from his branded wallet,or branded cars,or branded clothes! Im just not that type of girl looking for popularity! Think what? Im that poor and all im doing is searching for rich guys and being a gold digger? Exscuse me, I wasnt born and raised to be like that. I need money, i can get on my own and i will make the effort for it. I wouldnt be asking from anyone else except from my family that also in case of emergency.

What is wrong with you? What were you thinking? What is in your brains that made you think that way? Just because i dont have a branded wallet like you, branded cars like you, branded clothings like you,big house like you or whatever you are better than me, doesnt mean i am fucking gold digger and i respect myself that i never even ask anything from you! Respect me man!

I even remember that you told me once a time ago that a girl just wanted to be with you just because want popularity and being damn proud that she is going out with a son of a V.I.P, do you really think im like that? I don't think so. If im mean, i would have done it a long time ago ok. Please just think about it. Also remember, when you die and when you will be barried to the ground, all the money you got with you is not going to be barried as well with you. So start to give and take.

Don't judge people from the way they look..

Here i am sitting all alone at uptown Yazid cause my friends need to go back home and finish their homeworks. DAMN! Do i miss school. At the moment i am online using my phone and its a total wasting credits. There are times in life i feel regret of not going to school. In a week, my Mirror Bitches gang and my teachers will only see my face 2 or 3 times a week.. I have been skipping school a lot.

When i don't go to school in the morning,at night my usual place will be at Uptown. And now, from where im sitting,a lady wearing tudung with her friends is like staring at me, with this 'who are you' kinda look on her face..

Well,many people have gave me a look like that. I mean come on, you see me here wearing singlet and jeans..shorts maybe,with my striking red hair with a cigarette at my hand picking up full attention of SKL strawberry scent. Is it my fault?

But after a while,when they just sit down and stare at me,many pople passed by and they are the uptown workers. And obviously, they know me,including the guy that plays the guitar in the middle of Uptown steets and Central Market to find money for living. And when they pass by me, they will raise their hands or a hello or they will just yell my name, LYN! And of course not being rude, i will wave my hands as they respect me..not as a customer,but a friend.

As a drinking shop here called Salleh,has their own board saying "Come as a customer, Leave as a friend.".

So as i was saying,after people including this tudung lady saw me and how people greet me and how i am, i will stare back at them and i would smile. And it's a wierd cause after that,they will stop looking at me. But when they want to leave for home, they will take one last look at me and they would smile at me or nod their heads.

Im not saying im damn proud or something, but to the people in the world, never judge a person from the way they look,dress or react. Maybe deep down inside, they are a better person than u expect.

Valentines day disaster.

Valetines day this year on 2009 was the worst valentines day ever in my whole life.

I don't blame anyone for it tho..After the arguement with Syafiq for the past few days, the valentines day became a disaster.

He came over to my house to pick me up and i thought he was just joking he didnt get me anything. I was just thinking of getting him a nice silver necklace with his name on it..But it was kinda true..he wasnt kidding that he actually didnt get me anything. It hurt me a lot at first. But i tried to play it cool as i tried to understand.

We just went to mid valley and went to eat at the food court there. We past many people that was selling roses and stared at the flowers was all i could do as i stared at him there was no response.I just took a deep breath and thinked to myself, just forget it. The Valentines day was not going to work out.

Mom said she wanted to take me out.So i said to him i need to go back. And he was like asking me to stay longer. To me,its not that i dont want to. I'm hurt deeply with the cuts you gave me on my heart. I just can't stand it anymore that day.
So i went back and i went out with mum. With all of the sudden emergency she had to go online with her darling during Valentines day. I just stared at her thinking,im happy for you mama coz you are happy. And im glad that you don't feel the same way i am like this year. As her boyfriend sent her a bouquet of roses all the way from Canada, thats why i was hoping one from Syafiq too.But i was wrong. :(

Mum sent me to uptown.. and i saw many couple with flowers. And i saw this lady selling roses and i saw a guy bought for the girlfriend and they were so in love. I just cant stand it.I was listening to music from my phone and it had to be the song from Destiny Child's - Emotions. I just had to cry. Thinking what kind of Valentines day is this?? Im totally hurt!

As i was going back. I went to Alif to say that im going back. He scolded me as i said to him i was going Uptown earlier but i didnt. I was late.

To me, GREAT! What's next? Going to hurt me more on this Valentines day?? He said come with me. He took me to the Yazid's store and gave me a paper bag with a half dozen of roses in it. I was happy! But still i was sad coz he scolded me..

But i was thankful to get roses on Valentines day... from a different person that i expected.

Thinking of you.. - Katy Perry

Comparisons are easily done

Once you've had a taste of perfection

Like an apple hanging from a tree

I picked the ripest one

I still got the seed

You said move on

Where do I go

I guess second best

Is all I will know

Cause when I'm with him

I am thinking of you

Thinking of you

What you would do if

You were the one

Who was spending the night

Oh I wish that I

Was looking into your eyes

You're like an Indian summer

In the middle of winter

Like a hard candy

With a surprise center

How do I get better

Once I've had the best

You said there's

Tons of fish in the water

So the waters I will test

He kissed my lips

I taste your mouth

He pulled me in

I was disgusted with myself

Cause when I'm with him

I am thinking of you

Thinking of you

What you would do if

You were the one

Who was spending the night

Oh I wish that I

Was looking into...

You're the best

And yes

I do regret

How I could let myself

Let you go

Now the lesson's learned

I touched it I was burned

Oh I think you should know

Cause when I'm with him

I am thinking of you

Thinking of you

What you would do if

You were the one

Who was spending the night

Oh I wish that I

Was looking into your eyes

Looking into your eyes

Looking into your eyes

Oh won't you walk through

And bust in the door

And take me away

Oh no more mistakes

Cause in your eyes I'd like to stay...

Maybe my heart is still unavailable.. Maybe,maybe..

Maybe my heart is not meant for you.Maybe it's still meant for him.Maybe that's why i feel we are far seperated.Maybe that's why my feelings for you has just fade away like the winds.Or maybe im just not being myself when im with you and i pretend to feel comfortable.Maybe there are things that you do makes me so hard to trust you and believe you.Maybe that's why there are times i have to lie myself and say i love you even i think i didn't mean to.

Maybe i am not the girl for you..

Was it true?

Yesterday was my first arguement with Syafiq.

I went to OU with Are-Ai then he said he will pick me up at 8 or 9. There i was wasting my time at OU. Then i realise it was 7 already. So i said to Are-Ai why don't we go Uptown then she said she needs to go back home so i thought why don't i just stay at her house first while waiting for Syafiq to pick me up.

Soon, i was getting hungry and i still didnt eat my medicine as i have sinus problem that need me to stop smoking. BABI.

I called him up as it was 8.30 and then he said he will be picking me up at 10. I thought better i just went back home!

So.... i waited and waited... he picked me up at 10 something and i was so not in the mood as i recall what my ex said that he ask me did i do a free show in the web cam with a Kajang dude. So i was so upset of that coz it wasnt true!

So i use to ask him a long time ago did he just pick up a video and showed to his frends and somehow got to my ex as he is staying at Kajang as well?

he said no.

But somehow it still bothers me till today so i had to ask him again last night. To me, since i wasnt in the mood better ask while i have the time..Not a very ggod time tho.. So we argued in the car. BLA,BLA,BLA. Then he said Fine,if you dun trust me then dont! So i was in the ego mood as well but still tears came down even i promised him i will not cry. But what the hell la right.

But hours later we were ok la... I do trust him but wonder what my ex meant?

The voices of her heart

I realised that it has been a month i broke up with Alif. I do miss him badly and i still do love him but i just can't accept him after what he did to me. I know i have cheated on him twice,maybe this was his revenge or something. But to me he was the only one.

Somehow another person showed up into the picture and he was an old friend of mine, Mohd Syafiq. He will try to do anything just to make me happy, and i want to thank him. He is currentlly studying so he is kinda busy with his classes. But he will make the effort to meet me.

Its really wierd coz there he is ready to take me along with him for a new journey but still i want to just stay put where i am now and think back of my problems and the sadness of what Alif did. Maybe i still love him? But i can get better than him and its already infront of me.

Everywhere i look will make me remind of Alif. And everytime i insist hanging lepaking at Uptown just by myself. And i dunno since when i can just sit at the table by myself. But i feel more comfortable as i needed time alone to just day dreaming all the way long thinking back of the memories of me and Alif and thinking i do love him but why can't i accept him back? Also if i be with Syafiq,i know he will make me happy but what about the times that i feel lonely as he will be busy with classes?

Why am I still unhappy??

Left out..

Well... SPM is not over just yet...still waiting for 2 more days... Just now the form 5's art stream just did their art paper 2.. as the questions wants butterfly on a flower from a digital camera screen was the easiest but i was not satisfied of how it turned out as i did not practice it...

After the paper,i grab my bag and there they were.. I said hye to Rena,of course she ignored me..Just to keep in mind that she is still a good person in ups and lows.. They were busy chit chating and one single shit i really don't know what's happening. Maybe they went out recently and i bet they had fun.... Suddenly a jealous devil hint me in the heart and mind... So i just went away..

To me, they are my darling friends... but seriously... Before i go to them, i dun think im wanted in the group anyways. It feels kinda sad to see my only best friend is there too... But im just happy because she looks happy and having fun. It's not that i dun like ishnee,esther,steph or hani.. i love them as my gals and to me they are good people, the people who you could talk to if u have any freaking problems.

As for Rena.... *sigh* just forget it... maybe she feels more fun hanging out with them.. I mean, they go out everywhere and just a snap they are like boy magnets.. and it only pulls the hottest guys in whatever way.. I know that is my best friend kinda thing.

Well, im sorry that i couldn't be part of the gang but i really do miss my best friends...

What is wrong with me??

I didn’t go to school today coz I woke up late again. I really dunno wats wrong with me for the past few days as I also didn’t go to school yesterday. I feel so pressured and stress but the thing is I really don’t know about what. I had a fight with mum yesterday and today of me not going school ; but I do know it was my fault again and again.
I woke up at 6.45 yesterday and I just knew that I couldn’t make it to school. So mum screwed me up and sed promise to wake up 2moro. I nodded. Last nite, B and his bro, Sharul slept over at my house. We watch a few DVD’S before going to bed but I slept earlier from them coz I know I had to go to school. But the thing is I think I was too tired and I didn’t wake up this morning. Worst part was I woke up at 6.55. Mum at first didn’t say anything but she had a sharp stare at me though. So after I showered, I open her door slowly and there she was ironing her clothes and of course.. it was so obvious she was pist off with me coz she scolded me. She said that I was the problem of waking up in the morning and she won’t bother anymore about waking me up in the morning to go school and she said you think for yourself.

I mean whats wrong with me?? Everything I do will always be a mistake. Maybe it was a mistake that I live on earth! Look at my life.. Its full of emotions! It started out I ran away from home, I tried to commit suicide, my parents divorced, im not talking to my family on my fathers side, and I feel so stressed that I have to face my SPM soon!
I really hope I change for the best.. So far,I don’t know whether am I going up to the sky or im still under dirt.

I just want to meet my Daddy

Wan is going to Sabah 2moro and i didnt get the chance to explain to her that i really wanted to go and meet my daddy.. Just because of my exams, she screwed me and told me not to go.

Coz on dat day,daddy koled me and sed that Wan is going to Sabah n been thinking to take me along. It was fine with me since next week is a one week holiday. I koled wan and asked her what day is she going..and she said Wednesday. I didnt know which Wednesday but it was fine with me. I said that i agreed to go with her but if im going on Wednesday,i have to come back on Friday or Saturday coz my trials is on.

She freaked out and said you want to go on Wednesday and come back on Friday or Saturday?! Banyak duit ko! You think what? Flight ticket is cheap izzit??!!

I explained to her saying that she had to understand my situation as my trials is on and i have to do well but before the trials i do want to see my daddy.

She sed it will waste her money to pay for me if im only going for 3 or 4 days. But its weird... she sed its wasting money.. I think she wasted RM 3000 just for a freaking CARPET! She told me off and said you dont have to go. Just go to school and do your exams. Maybe you can just go during the November holidays.

WTF??!!

Its been how many months i havent meet my half soul...,my half DNA!!and she had the nerves to tell me to go and see my daddy on November?! That wont happen coz my SPM is on November till December! As i said.. She only thinks about herself..

I JUST WANT TO MEET MY DADDY..

I thought it was over...

Woo hoo... i thought my family problems was over ; but instead that it's a whole rerun thingy passing through my life again. See.. im only 17 and it's the time that i started to learn things about to ask or not to ask.

Last Thursday i went to meet up my cousin, Ayin at One Utama. He wanted to pass some money that my grandmother gave me. When Alif and me arrive,we met Ayin and went for a drink at Mamak stall. We talked... Even we are cousins, we have been treating each other like brother and sister. So we really tell a lot of our secrets and problems. We will meet each other up maybe twice a month.

Our stupid topic that time was about our family and we talked and again exchanged notes sumthing like that is called gossip la... He started the news of what he heard saying that my daddy was going to get married and he heard it from my aunty. So i was like "Say what? My daddy doing something without telling/asking me?".. Of course i was totally upset and i thought that it was true.. That was the first part... The second part was,i know some historical thingy about his parents (not going to be posted here) that i know he didn't know. So iasked him if he knew why the parents got married? He himself said that he suspect that his mother Aunt. Ina got him first that only got married. I mean,it's no big deal... It's still the same parents... It was a proper wedding my mum said. The parents really do love him. So back again, i said i heard from mum yes the story of his parents went like that. Suddenly, he cried. I understand his feelings.. It was just fine after that. He said everything that we both talked about will be sealed.

Not true enough,my grandmother called me and screwed me up and ask me why can't i mind my own things and why i do such stories.I think Ayin called her to ask the freaking question. Like hello...if it wasn't true,im sorry,that is only what i heard. If it was true,and Ayin didn't know,WHEN will he know? Wait until he gets married and have children? I think its better for him to know now than later.

After my granmother's call, i called Ayin and wanted to ask him what happen. It seems that he keep on rejecting my phone calls. After that,his mother,Aunt. Ina sent me a message saying if i dare to do it,dare to face the challenge. ---????--- the exact same thing poped into my mind.. Do what la kan? That was what exactly i sent to her. She said that never to bother Ayin anymore and she said that she never bothered us,so why do this kind of things...Can't you mind your own business? I replied to her saying about my apologise and i asked her about my daddy was it true? She never replied..

Few moments after that,my uncle,Ayin's dad said that he won't accept my apologise and i am not related anymore to them and he will not going to admit that i am their niece anymore since i am very kurang ajar to them.

So looks like i lost the whole family in KL and raya is so close and i feel very hurtful that i won't be spending my holidays there with my other half souls of family...

To Uncle Wan or whoever from my father's side of the family..

If you were reading this, im sorry about my mistakes.

I don't blame all of you if i am not Raya-ing at Damansara because that was all of your wishes...

There will be cards sent during the Raya season and it will be full with my 'Maaf Zahir & Batin'

From left to right : Fina (my cousin), my daddy, Aunty Nah (my aunt) and Uncle Wan (my uncle)

**Raya on 2007**

The Heart Attack

Daddy got his first heart attack on friday morning at 2 a.m... and i felt so sad i couldnt comfort him at that time as he was at Sabah and im like... HERE...

Called the family about it at that very day we went to Sabah.. Me,my grandmother,my aunt.Rose,and my uncle... He was at the Queen Elizebeth Hospital in the CCU... too bad i couldnt post the pictures here coz im at cc and there's no picasa..

My uncle didnt agree that he was ina government hospital so we changed him to Sabah Medical Hospital which is a private hospital. While that me n my granma went back to the hotel and rest while my aunt n uncle settle things at the hospital... When my aunt came back she said daddy may look ok from the outside but it seems that from CCU he changed to ICU!

I was in total shock wey... It seems that his main artery is blocked and maybe next month he will be doing an operation..

Dear Daddy... Get well Soon...